Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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