thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
