win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
