genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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