I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
me + whiskey = a bad person
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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