the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
