Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
