so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
