using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
