I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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