Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
