shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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