then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Randomize
