Apparently you make a good broom.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
