i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
