I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
