dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
