my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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