so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
