Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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