I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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