So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You dont lie about slip and slides
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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