we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
