If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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