I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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