I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
