Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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