she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
