smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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