I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I need water and some morals
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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