She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
