Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
