my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
