i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I had to cum in my sink.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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