It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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