That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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