I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
