now i know why i became what i already was.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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