so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
