these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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