She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
