i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
