i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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