honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
