hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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