My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
