im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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