Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
