I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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