So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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