I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
