I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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