Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Randomize
