My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
