then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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