If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
