im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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