Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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