I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
