capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
