You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
