Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
