Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
